I recently received an email from a gentleman requesting some sex advice. This isn’t unusual in itself, but this email was so multi-faceted that I promised the correspondent a full analysis with my opinions here on the blog. The main issue? His wife can’t achieve vaginal orgasms. Having heard similar worries and complaints both from women and their partners in the past, I wanted to write about my thoughts on this issue at length.
First of all, here’s the enquiry I received:
Core of the problem is that my wife can’t achieve vaginal orgasm. I do understand that reasons for it might be psychological (very shy of her body and very tight upbringing) as well as medical (age and extra weight) but I want to cover “wake-up” techniques with best technology there is. Which finally brings me to a question – from your perspective as a seasoned toy reviewer, what toys are best to use in an attempt to “wake up” vaginal orgasm? I’d be grateful for any insights.
First of all, I’m going on the hopeful assumption that the lack of vaginal orgasm is a problem to the gentleman’s wife, rather than only perceived as a ‘problem which needs fixing’ from the guy’s point of view. If the lady in question does indeed see this as a problem and would like to find a solution, then it makes sense to reach out for help.
Secondly, the question is raised about whether the lack of vaginal orgasm is a psychological or an anatomical problem. This is an insightful point to weigh up, as there is certainly a psychological aspect to sexual pleasure, and therefore in many cases the ability to achieve orgasm, as well as just the anatomical stimulation side.
Let’s tackle these two areas to begin with.
Is It Really A Problem?
Is the fact that a person can’t achieve vaginal orgasms really a problem? Perhaps it seems like a problem, if you used to be able to, but can’t any more. Or if you feel pressure to achieve vaginal orgasm; whether that’s pressure from your own mind, or because of society’s expectations and media influence about how people should perform sexually, or (but hopefully not) pressure from a partner that you should be able to orgasm in this way.
If part of your sex life is upsetting you, then that’s the problem. The fact you’re upset over it, the fact that it’s affecting your happiness and therefore your sex life. Do I see the lack of achieving vaginal orgasm as a problem in itself, ie. a medical problem? Not at all.
I don’t achieve vaginal orgasms either – vaginally penetrative sex or using classic dildos or vibrators don’t bring me to a vaginal orgasm. I won’t even say I ‘can’t’ achieve vaginal orgasm in these ways… because that assumes I’m trying, or that I feel less sexually because of the lack of this ability. I don’t. I also enjoy sex sessions with my partner without any orgasms at all; just enjoying exploring one another physically as well as the erotic possibilities of our combined kinky minds, an illicit intimacy which is both thrilling and fulfilling.
Psychological or Anatomical?
Is the reason not being able to achieve vaginal orgasms psychological or anatomical? I’m extremely reluctant to say there is any type of reason for the lack of vaginal orgasm, because this assumes there must be a reason, because all people with vaginas should definitely able to achieve vaginal orgasm, and if you don’t then there’s a problem. This simply isn’t true.
I don’t believe vaginal orgasms are something which innately exist in vagina-owning sexually active adults, therefore I don’t believe they are something which lie ‘dormant’ and can be ‘woken up’ by some magical technique or sex aid.
That said, people who are not currently experiencing vaginal orgasms may be able to discover new stimulation techniques which work for them personally, and come to learn how to achieve vaginal orgasm through this exploration and trying different things. That’s all part of learning what works for you –but if you have a specific aim –like vaginal orgasm- and nothing seems to work for you, don’t sweat it.
There can definitely be psychological barriers to orgasm, however, in these situations the psychological barrier tends to stop any and all type of orgasm rather than a specific type like vaginal only. In my opinion it would be unusual for there to be a psychological barrier preventing vaginal orgasm in particular.
Are there anatomical reasons why vaginal orgasms seem impossible to achieve? I’ve spoken to women large and small, young or old, who find vaginal orgasm easy or impossible. I believe vaginal orgasm through sexual penetration (via partner or toys) is simply an individual thing and isn’t a capability which is ‘lessened’ through age or weight. In fact, there are several older sexually active women and many queen-sized sexual sirens I can think of who would be incredibly insulted at the assumption that age and/or weight has a negative impact on orgasm ability or sexual capability/enjoyment in general.
Can Sex Toys Help?
Could sexy toy help with achieving vaginal orgasms? Certainly –as part of general exploration of yourself and your sexual stimulation likes/dislikes, sex toys could surprise you by pushing your particular button in just the right way.
I couldn’t advise on any particular sex toy which will definitely provide a vaginal orgasm, just as I couldn’t guarantee that my absolute favourite sex toy of the moment will work for everybody else out there. Just as we’re all beautifully unique individuals when it comes to our psychology and aesthetics, so too with our sexual stimulation likes and dislikes, and what is effective for us personally.
Exploration is always recommended. Open-minded exploration without pressure, without specific hard aims, without feeling like you’ve ‘failed’ if you don’t do a certain thing or orgasm in a certain way. Just enjoy the ride!
Do you know how often I get asked my recommendations on a classic vibrator or a phallic dildo? Barely ever. In fact, I can’t ever remember being asked about these types of sex toy. Sure, they exist, and I don’t mind using a penetrative sex toy –along with something else like a clitoral vibe or vibrating anal plug. Or both, why not. I’ll never go and masturbate using a vaginal-only sex toy, and I doubt I’ll ever orgasm from using a vaginally penetrative dildo. Like I say, I don’t orgasm in this way –and that’s absolutely fine with me.
But you know what, this isn’t just a weird and wacky Cara Sutra thing. Most vagina-owning people out there don’t orgasm simply from vaginal penetration*. I know, right? The media would have you believe that women are just craving a pussy-rogering every moment of the day and that they require nothing else but a large phallus shoved up there in order to noisily climax around it. This is about as realistic as white butt holes and nipples which stay pointing skywards during rough missionary and waking up with perfect make-up after a heavy night of fisting and bukkake. The truth of the matter, as proven by countless surveys and endless research, is that most vagina-owning people don’t come from vaginal penetration alone. It’s unusual to do so. If you don’t orgasm from vaginal penetration, you’re not weird. You’re normal.
That’s not to say there isn’t a place for classic vibes and phallic dildos. And I don’t just mean inside your vagina, I mean in your sex life in general. If you’d like to add a little internal thrust to your masturbation or shared intimacy sessions, then a twist-base classic vibrator or appropriately sized realistic dildo can be extremely fun.
Not-So-Secret Secret Button
Fairly shortly after the first email enquiry, I received a follow-up with some more information:
Just a detail for the fuller picture. I stumbled (literally) on some spot inside her vagina a several years ago (yes, I know how it sounds) that brought her different kind of pleasure, more “deep” than clitoral stimulation (her words) when she was already quite aroused, but I lost it almost immediately and [been] searching for it ever since, through use of various toys (quite a bag already), techniques but to no avail. I’m really desperate for help at this point.
It’s true! There certainly is an area inside the vagina which, when stimulated, can provide incredible levels of sexual pleasure. While simple penetration of the vagina can feel… nice, but certainly not orgasmic by itself (unless you’re one of the aforementioned minority), precise stimulation of this spot in particular can be incredibly effective and yes, can lead to powerful orgasms. Again, this type of orgasm is experienced by some people with vaginas, and certainly shouldn’t be seen as a default ability which means something is wrong if it doesn’t work.
It’s possible that the ‘spot’ accidentally stumbled upon was, in fact, the G-spot. There is also the A-spot (anterior fornix erogenous zone), which is a little further back. We’ll save that one for another day; let’s take a closer look at the G-spot and how its stimulation can provide mind-blowing levels of sexual pleasure.
Linked credit is given in this excerpt to Cara Sutra and CaraSutrad.com.